Monthly Archives: March 2020

Things That Happen To Us

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Hey, everyone! Hiiii!!!! Omg, hi. I hope you’re all doing alright, and settling into a manageable rhythm in this strange new world. Life is weird in it’s present state. Really, really weird, and of course it has me thinking about when things in life happen to us. Things that happen to us are different than other things that happen. Things that happen to us are usually jarring, and often unexpected. Things that happen to us are a little scary, and tend to leave us feeling untethered. This is not a good feeling. To this day, cancer is still something that happened to me. I never saw it coming. Not once. I have been completely shocked every time, even when I told people I was ready for it, and now here we all are, in the middle of something that is happening to us.

The thing about things that happen to you, is that there is usually a feeling of complete loss of control. The coronavirus is grabbing for the wheel, and it might feel like you are being steered off the road, or that suddenly you can’t find your way to the most familiar places. To top it all off, you might have been feeling like you were on a highway that was taking you exactly where you want to go. Freakin’ detours. You did nothing to deserve this, there was no bad decision making that got you here, this is not your mess, but it has made itself your mess, and now you have to deal with it. Dealing with it sucks. However, on the bright side, you are dealing with it! Seriously, if you’re still breathing, you’re dealing with it, and I would also imagine that the majority of you are incorporating your old routine into your new routine, and are carving out new spaces for yourself in your old, familiar spaces. You are surviving a global pandemic. Welcome to survivorship! Survivorship is where you go when things happen to you. You, too, are a born survivor, and survivorship is where you learn that right here inside yourself exists all the skills you need to get off the island.

Survivorship is uneasy because it involves a lot of unknowns: will I survive, can I make fire by rubbing two sticks together, can I live in 1200 sq. feet with my significant other day in and day out? All good questions, but the nice thing about unknowns is that there’s gold in them there hills (read in my best prospector’s voice). There is growth in discomfort. I can say this after spending a lot of time surviving over the last number of years. After all this time, what I know about things that really shake up my life and sense of security, is that there is something for me here. Whether I want to or not, I’m about to learn something new about myself, so that means that I’m also going to be doing some things that ground me, make me happy, and help my brain to chill out for a minute. Things that feel good. Tapping into the things I can take for myself. I am taking time to walk when the spring winds in NM aren’t blowing too wildly. I can think when I walk. Thoughts present themselves to me like gifts when I walk, and the fresh air and sunlight feel good. I am taking some time every day to talk with family and friends. They ground me, remind me of life outside of this home and news of the virus, and they make me feel connected. Feeling connected feels good. I am lucky to still be working some virtually, and seeing most of those clients at the same time I see them in the studio. The normalcy feels good. I’m drawing in my journal and writing a lot of letters to Love. This feels very good. You get my point here. Do things that feel good in the face of a global pandemic that doesn’t feel very good at all. Survivorship might not be easy, but it doesn’t have to be awful.

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One of our evening walks. I love these walks so much. We talk and talk and have loads of commentary on the world around us. Quality time defined. And me as usual coming in for some love. I can’t help it. Look at this guy. And I’ve given up makeup completely. Freedom.

I went on a telephonic walk and talk with a friend earlier last week who also happens to be an amazing executive coach. She was telling me about getting some of her clients to indulge in the mental game of reimagining this as the best thing to ever happen to them. What would that mean, or look like, how would it feel? How would their perception of this situation change if they flipped it on its head, and reimagined it as something they had chosen? Try indulging in this for a few minutes, and really let yourself go deep. What if you had chosen this? I dropped into this exercise rapidly when I chose to stay in NM. It’s a muscle I’ve had the opportunity to strengthen. As another disturbance in a steady line of disturbances over the last few years descended, I took something for myself quickly by taking advantage of the opportunity to spend more time with my guy. What would it feel like for us to live together all the time? This was something I had considered often, but my life is good in Austin, and it is so hard to change good things. That was the beginning of the reimagining, and there will definitely be growth here. Lord have mercy. I can also feel other things rearranging, reimagining, rethinking themselves. I can feel them in the fluttery part right below my diaphragm. I don’t know what this growth is, yet, but it will assuredly present itself. I’m not quite there, though, because I’m so recently here, and here is being in this new space, adapting, and finding myself happy in my current situation, if not pretty dazed, and sometimes uncertain. This is kind of big. People usually prepare for changes this big. For months! Settling in to this new space is plenty for right now. It’s a good start, and the nice thing is that sometimes when I get a little (or a lot) freaked out, I remind myself that I took this, and then I act as though I chose it, because I did. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor again. I’m a survivor who is walking toward growth. But still, fuck. Just when I had gotten back to living.

The thing I know for certain about things that happen to us, is they inevitably change us. In some way, this period will change the way you live. For those of you who are looking at a bleak situation, you will learn that you are more resilient than you ever imagined. Know that you will survive, and you will rebuild. Human beings are freaking amazing beasts. Even if things are still pretty good for you, the period of forced slowing down may show you some things that are essential, and some that are not. This information is precious.

You have been dropped in the middle of a dense jungle. There is a treasure chest in this jungle, and all you have to do is a little bit of hunting to find at least one valuable gemstone. Go on the hunt. Take time to be still and listen to the sounds of the jungle, because no one is giving you a map other than the faith that intuition is waiting patiently to guide you. Welcome to survivorship.

*many thanks to Ad Meliora Coaching for the excellent mental exercise. Do you have friends who inspire you, or make you feel expansive? Now is a great time to engage those people.

 

 

 

 

This Was Unexpected

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This is me, figuring out how to teach virtually. Also trying to figure out what’s going on with my shoulders, because every single picture had this weird right vs. left arm thing happening. Whatever.

This is not the post I was planning to write this month. March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, and I was planning to shame you all into getting colonoscopy’s immediately, especially those of you aged 45 years or older. Did you know the new screening age is 45? You should know this, because the age of bowel cancer patients at diagnosis is trending downward at a rapid rate, but there’s no way I’m asking any of you to schedule an elective procedure today, barring the fact you have rectal bleeding, then I might tell you to get on it. Is coronavirus or colorectal cancer more alarming? That question is above my pay grade. I was finally going to write about Pilates and GYROTONIC®, because from where I stand today, I am able to really speak to the benefits of both in terms of rehabilitation. Why did it take me so long, you might wonder? Because for a long while I was just too close to the illness, and still struggling too much trying to survive to see the forrest for the trees. In light of the world going into lockdown, though, none of this has felt especially relevant, and now, as so many are struggling in this new reality, I find myself on comfortable ground. Luckily, Glennon Doyle’s book “Untamed” just came out, and she described one of my skills far better than I could: I can do hard things. It isn’t a skill I wanted, but it is certainly one I’ve earned.

There will be a lot of people going without paychecks, families unable to see each other, friends separated, life work balances thrown completely to hell, and so many big, scary unknowns that we will find ourselves compulsively drawn to the internet for answers that aren’t actually there. It is a strange, strange thing for the world collective to be living in the great big unknown, and surprisingly I will tell you that it does not feel better to have company here. Come to find out, I liked it better when most of you were on the other side of the glass, because selfishly, I only had to worry about me. Right now, I’m worried about you, too. All of you, and not because I do not know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can do hard things, but because unknowns as big as this are such an existential mind fuck. If you’ve ever wondered what might be floating around in the recesses of your psyche, be prepared for it to come bubbling to the surface in the coming weeks. It’s okay, and after the initial shock, rarely as disturbing as it seems at first glance.

When I was first diagnosed, and each time I’ve been diagnosed since, other cancer patients strongly discouraged me from Googling, but knew I would regardless of their sage advice. For the last three days, I have been unable to stop myself from incessantly checking the real time infection rate by country and state. The number won’t stop going up, and I am compelled to watch it. This is going to have to stop, now, and the answer isn’t because it’s making me nuts, but because it is taking up precious time. All I ever want is more time to write, and today I have a ton of it. I want to cook more, but always say that cooking for one isn’t as satisfying. I’m staying in New Mexico with my person for the next little bit, so this is a good time to flex that muscle. There are one million and one downsides to this situation. I might not see my family for awhile, and everyone knows I keep them close. I wander through the house like I’ve lost something, and realize that I want my friends. I just completed my final certification in GYROTONIC®, and all I want is a damn tower to move on. My finances just got seriously screwed, but that’s been the norm every time I’ve had to have surgery over the last 5 years. I was getting back on my feet in a real way this time, but…

But, nothing. I’m still on my feet. I know now that I am not so breakable as I once thought I was, and that I’ll be okay. That is the gift I can finally say I got from cancer. These times will pass, and we will be okay. I’ve seen the dark side, I’ve luxuriated in it’s pain, and in the end, I keep finding ways to turn to the light. This is what I want you to do, too, and please, not at the expense of feeling your emotions fully, because you must do that. This whole situation is insanity, but can you kick and scream or cry in a tight little ball or break every plate in your house, and then find some light? Even if it’s just a tiny sliver, what is your light? What do you want to create? What do you want to build out, build up, build bridges to? What are you curious about? What excites you? What do you want to know? I have seen “Fame” so many times that I can almost quote the movie verbatim. Yesterday, I took a dance class from Debbie Allen, and have decided I’m a dancer, now. Today, I downloaded Jane Fonda’s 1980’s workout from YouTube, and kicked it old school. Holy god, I need my leg warmers, STAT! Fyi, my leg warmers are in Texas with the rest of my stuff. I came to NM for the weekend with an overnight bag so that no one besides me would touch my luggage, and then decided that if I was going to be quarantined, I was going to be with my beau. I never anticipated a time where I would be grateful that his jeans fit me, but here we are.

The world is going to feel surreal and strange for awhile. Can you ease into the strangeness? Can you get a little weird, and meet the absurdity of this situation half way? How creative are you willing to get, because I am dying to see all of it! If we are forced by circumstance to slow down in almost every conceivable way for however long this lasts, what are we capable of doing with this precious time? I take none of this lightly, but I spent so much time over the last few years consumed with worry about the future and fear that I would never feel real again and shame over being financially broke that I don’t have it in me to worry anymore because worrying never helped. It was unavoidable sometimes, but it never helped. 

If there is anything at all I can do for you, I will be right here. In the meantime, make me something beautiful or dark, but create so I can be inspired by you. I need it, too.