Happy new year! It is January 6, and I am staring out my window trying not to think about getting the results of my latest scan this afternoon. I’m exhausted, and I have been exhausted since October. Is this a sign of an impending cancer diagnosis? Am I finally done for? Probably not, because I live in central Texas, and each year at this time our skies are flooded with cedar pollen, leaving most people feeling a little fatigued and fluish. And isn’t almost everyone fried after the holidays? This is what January is supposed to feel like, which is why most people cleanse through at least the first half of the month. However, that nagging voice in the back of my head is being a complete punk at present, and won’t stop whispering, “what if?” With minimal fanfare, I quietly pumped my fist in the air through the last days of December in celebration of finally going a full year without having anesthesia pushed into my veins, or experiencing the pleasure of once again rehabilitating my body. Unfortunately, I did it with the sneaking suspicion that there is something nefarious waiting on the other side of this scan, even though there most likely is not. “What if” what, cancer? Freakin’ punk.
The beauty of where I currently find myself, is that while I am nervous to hear what my doctor has to say, I’m not afraid of it. In looking back on the last 10 years, it has been beautiful, devastating, and wild. I got divorced, I got Brazil, I got the most amazing group of friends, I got cancer, I got to experience real, unexpected loss, and I got pulverized repeatedly. Multiple jabs right in the face, only to feel a more intense sense of well being than I have ever experienced in my life. What if what, cancer?
We put so much effort into cancer prevention in this world that is becoming more and more carcinogenic everyday. We talk about cancer prevention because we love to live under the delusion that just by doing everything right, we can prevent it. There are too many cancer patients who were living otherwise healthy lives for this to be a reasonable expectation. I get to live from the privileged position of knowing that even if you do many things right, it still might come for you, so I no longer treat my body well because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t, but now treat my body well because it feels better when I do. My jeans are a little tighter, and I’m a lot happier. Fear doesn’t get drive this train. What if what, cancer?
Financial toxicity? Living it, and doing okay, thanks to my parents, but still, I have learned how to make a dollar stretch, so as I’m working my way back up, every single dime becomes gold bullion. In middle age, I have had the opportunity to realize the value of a dollar, and the value of using those dollars to help people in need. Worst case scenario, and I can’t afford to live on my own anymore? Fuck it, I rent my place out, and move in with my sister and her family. I love those people, and they put up with me joyfully! What if what, cancer?
If it’s everywhere? I spent most of 2019 putting a lot of thought into how I want to live. I have become actively, radically kind and generous with myself, which has been very helpful in returning me to my natural state of being radically kind and generous with others. I’m entering this year super excited about pouring energy into creative pursuits, and opening my eyes to all the awe the cosmos would like to put in my path. Translated? I’m feeling generally peaceful, and pretty good about things. What if what, cancer?
No matter what my doctor says later today, for the first time, I feel like it won’t really change the foundation of how I live. Early on I was traumatized that my lifestyle was so drastically clipped, and afterward, always furious that my efforts to dig myself out from under the detritus of this stupid disease were once again curtailed. For a while, I was still focused on the old things that I thought were important. As the last decade comes to a close, I find myself not so much changed in my position, but in my wisdom. The last ten years have taught me that I am not only tenacious, but resilient, and able to take a hit and still come out loving, which has been the most glorious realization of them all. Although I’m reasonably sure it’s allergies, what if fucking what, cancer?