July 27, 2015
I’ve avoided use of the word “fair.” What’s fair and what’s not fair don’t seem to apply to life. I don’t believe that this is karmic retribution, the result of too many glasses of wine, or that cancer happens to other people. But today I want to stomp my feet, pound on the floor and scream at the universe that this isn’t fair. My undercarriage itches. The whole thing itches and I haven’t slept in days. There’s the burning pain from the radiation, the nausea from the chemo and the constant low grade headache. It burns when I pee, it burns when I poop. There are only 3 days left of the chemo/radiation regimen and I’m tired. So fucking tired.
Phase II planning appointments today: radiation, labs, Dr. Skibber (surgeon) to set surgery dates and discuss details, genetic counseling, wound ostomy clinic. And I can barely keep my eyes open. Praise the gods for friends. Barbara made me breakfast, Tobin gave me watermelon and they hustled my weary body out the door. I don’t know how to describe listening to the details of a surgery that no one knows the actual results of when they slice me open from my pubic bone to just above my belly button. One option leaves me with staples up my belly and a temporary ileostomy that will be reversed in 4-6 months while my rectum rest and my body is once again loaded up with chemo. The second option results in a permanent colostomy with the same abdominal incision and a permanent closing of my anus with staples closing the area like an episiotomy. AND, remember that stuff about the tumor abutting my vagina, there might also be some reconstruction there if the tumor hasn’t resected. Did I happen to mention it will be a 6 hour surgery? That I won’t be released to work for 6-8 weeks and that no matter what I’ll have some permanent or temporary bag hanging off my body collecting stuff? Or that even if the result is a temporary ileostomy my bowel function will forever be affected? So I’ll only say it once and that will be today and I’ll say it through a childs river of angry tears . IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR.